My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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