hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
