PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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