6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
