I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
