I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
are you so shy because you have an std?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
