I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just want nice things and good sex
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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