When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
