your parents love me but you hate me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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