By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
