I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
