I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
