Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
