the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
