i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You ruined the universe
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
