please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
