just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
