Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
