I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
