Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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