I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
