I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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