Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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