Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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