i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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