How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
