she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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