Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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