Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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