Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
