I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
