I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
