i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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