dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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