4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
