On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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