Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
