I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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