No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
