Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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