i think i have two assholes
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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