Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
