I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
