i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
