I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
