you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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