seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I want her autograph on my taint
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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