Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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