My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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