wakey wakey hands off snakey
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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