My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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