Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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